Reality check.

When I realized

how I have

so

many

things

CRAMPED

together,

I feel,

suffocated.

I need to find my breath back.

So here’s to more coffee and late nights.

Because I know it is going to be worth it in the end.

I know.

But right now,

I just need to make sure,

real SURE,

that I can handle this.

If you look closer,

Everyday is like getting ready for a performance.

And my smile is my make-up.

On discussions

Feels so good to sweat it all out while exercising.

And what’s the difference between,
-quality
-ability
-skill
-virtue

I would say ability is something that you inherently possess.

Skill is something you acquire.

Virtue is human excellence. And is it something that u learn? And how do u differentiate that from skill?

And while I mull over it, I shall discuss this again with you sometime soon.

Hey you Mr Poet!

Some lines from random poetries that I like.

“YES, write, if you want to, there’s nothing like trying”

“I Found you and I lost you,
All on a gleaming day. “

“It lies not in our power to love or hate,
For will in us is over-rul’d by fate.”

“But you took my dreams away
And you made them all come true –
My thoughts have no place now to play,
And nothing now to do.”

“A clear and ancient harmony
Pierces my soul through all its din,
As through its utmost melody–
Farther behind than they, farther within.”

And I thought it’d be nice to end with a complete poem, which is one of my favourite.

If by Rudyard Kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream – and not make dreams your master;
If you can think – and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build ‘em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: “Hold on”;

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings – nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And – which is more – you’ll be a Man my son!

The thing about being bothered,

The thing about being bothered, is that it is a feeling that irks you greatly. You feel unsettled, as if a part of you is out-of-place, and you can’t quite pin point it to anything, because everything just seems to be contributing to that disharmony. And I realized for me, it is a cycle, experience the temporal presence of serenity. And at that moment you think you found your drive and motivation, at least enough to sustain you through the labours and drudgery for a while, and then you just feel lost.

And when that happens, I always find my way to the museum, or at wondering along the streets of Singapore, or wherever my feet takes me. And I’ll be all good, refreshed and rejuvenated after that. Like now. (:

I reminisce with much fondness how unbridled I was when I was back in Vietnam.

And I think of the NVVN group of friends. I chanced upon YunTing today, lovely lovely surprise, and my head was overflowing with thoughts of the people I have gotten to know. I must say, it is my privilege to be able to work and get to know all of them. They have so greatly stirred and inspired me so many different ways. And sometimes, when I am too absorbed in my own world, I will try to replicate that appreciative feeling I had in Vietnam to snap myself out of it.

distinctively untitled.

The swimming fever is back. And so is my compulsion to write. And perhaps this is why I am experiencing this tranquility in my heart, my soul.

As much as I refuse to be confined by a particular religion, I wouldn’t say that I am absolutely ungodly. I think I do try to seek spiritual fulfillment, but I am not too sure if I should label myself as a spiritual person. And to be able to indulge in such sublime notions of spirituality, inner peace I guess the other aspects of your lives have to be sufficiently fulfilled first and foremost right? And this is where I see the semblance between spirituality and arts. Because a society has to be economically stable, developed in areas of technologies, sciences, people’s basic and material needs are fulfilled, then arts can start blossoming. Just like how a person needs to take care of his other more pressing needs first before he can tend to this lofty notion.

Or perhaps I am wrong. Because who am I to determine which need is of greater importance, taking all needs equally pressing? Yet, I think I know what I need to do. And at the same time, I am trying to be appreciative, and attempting to illuminate this urge, compulsion, need, drive. I don’t know, but it is stronger than that.

So, South Asia has proven to be endlessly fascinating for me. (At least for now)

Just like Emile Durkheim believed,
“There are no religions which are false. All are true in their own fashion-all answer, though in different ways, to the given conditions of human existence.”

The question asked by the sages,

Which of the different paths of proper behaviour and conduct do the scriptures advise us to follow most closely? The various paths that people take as proper, it appears to us, are diverse and contradictory.

Some, for example, claim that there is life after death, while others maintain that there is not. Some express doubt over everything, while others claim certainty.

Things are impermanent according to some and permanent according to others, unreal according to some and real according to others, while still others claim that they are both real and unreal.

Some believe that the one reality appears as diverse. Some teach unity, others separateness, and yet others multiplicity.

Some praises rites and others cessation from them. Some assert the influence of both place and time, while others deny it. Some extoll liberation and others diverse pleasures.

Some desire wealth, while others strive after poverty. Some maintain the efficacy of worship, while others deny it.

Some are devoted to non-violence, and others to injury. Some claim that we attain glory through good deeds, while others deny it.

Some proclaim certainty as to the truth, while others adhere to skepticism. Suffering is the motive for some, pleasure for others.

Some assert the primacy of mediation, others that of sacrifice, and still others that of giving gifts. Some assert the existence of everything, while others deny that anything exists.

Some praise austerity, while others extoll Vedic study. Some assert that knowledge comes from renunciation, while nature philosophers claim that it comes from nature.

With so much disagreement regarding proper belief and conduct, leading in so many directions, we are bewildered, unable to reach any certainty.

And so, “what is ultimate bliss?”

The Missing Case of the Key

And so I realized, my wallet that contains my key, ez link and access card is missing. I can’t go home!

So I being retracing my steps, going back to the music studio to find my keys, but alas it’s still not there.

It must be in school! And I waited anxiously for the bus, which doesn’t seem to appear, as time just goes by so slowly when ur heart is thumping faster. When I boarded the bus, I realized I did not have enough coins with me, and I had to borrow 50cents from this girl that I didn’t know. We became friends later and even exchanged contacts.

And so I ran to chatter, and was looking frantically for my wallet in the middle of the suite session. I was really touched that so many of my friends were helping me to look for the wallet as well. I was so thankful that kindness was bestowed upon me, from all my friends.

Danielle saw me searching, and stopped me and said we have your wallet! Yes! But the wallet wasn’t with her, it was with WeiXin, who happened to still be in school dancing. My wallet was safely locked up in her locker, and the keys were with her.

Determined to retrieve my wallet back, I walked all the way to UCC and back, which took more than half hour, and yes unlocked the locker with the key and got my wallet back.

So I headed for home.

I should really learn to be less careless.

The Swan

It reminded me of what Michelle told me.

You look graceful and elegant like the swan gliding along the body of water. But underneath that surface you are paddling so hard. Always.

Feelings

Is it better not to feel anything, or feel everything else too deeply?

19.20

On the 22nd January every year, something changes. I don’t think that there is anything particularly special on that day, because I’d like to think that every single day of my life is remarkably amazing. Deep down I feel the same even though it’s my birthday, the numbers add up, and I just instantaneously become a year older when the minute hand strikes 12.

If there’s anything significant about my birthday, it’s should be a day when I thank my wonderful mother for giving me the breathe of life. She who brought me into this world. I wonder how it would feel like when I am a mother myself, because I think one of the greatest person I ever known is my dearest Mummy. So to you, Mummy, thank you.

I can never entirely move on to 20 without reminiscing about the 19. And so at 19,

I learnt that I was vulnerable, and that I cannot hide my vulnerability all the time.

I find that at times I really know what I want, and am motivated to work towards that goal. But when I take a step back to reflect, and look closely at what I am doing, I sometimes don’t know exactly what I want. So whilst I try to follow whatever my heart dictates, and when my mind is not entirely convinced, until the conflict is resolved, which somehow takes quite some time to, I cannot move on, and find that thing that I think I want. Because deep down, I really don’t know what I want. Perhaps it’s because I have never wanted anything that bad enough. And ironically, I want to experience how that feels like.

I realized God had been there for me. And that I need more encouragement to move a step closer to you. I have trust issues, I know.

I experienced true emotions. Disappointment, heartache, extreme elation, losing my individuality and finding the authentic me amidst the crowd, being constrained, and being released into the endless sky to fly. I felt so deeply. And I feel alive.

And looking back, 19 had been nothing short of awesome. So, bring on the 20, because I can’t wait to see what is installed for me.